It took me a bit longer to update the blog this time. I had a bad day last week and it got stuck on repeat. It sucked me in with Hoover-like force. It left me sulking, snacking on bad carbs, and swapping adjectives with four-letter words. The hard truth is that yoga cannot calm me, music cannot move me, and no amount of self-help tactics can soothe me when I’m wallowing in my pain. And that’s how it is sometimes. So let me ask you, do you ever sit in your own suffering? Do you let yourself bleed before opening the first-aid kit and applying the bandage? As much as I believe there are answers all around us, sometimes we prevent ourselves from finding them.
Are you Comfortable With Your Crisis?
I just read a story about a guy who suffered his whole life with some ailment. At last, he found a medicine that would take away his symptoms and allow him to live the life he’d only dreamed of having. Upon hearing that, the man wasn’t elated. He wasn’t shocked or even intrigued. He was only afraid. You see, his ailment had become a part of his identity. He’d lived with it so long, he’d become strangely connected to it, even comforted by it. It was his security blanket – the old familiar rag he dragged through life. What does your rag look like?
Maybe it’s a career you hate in a field that’s just so safe. Perhaps it’s an unhealthy relationship you’re keeping for the sake of being a couple. Or a bad habit that helps you cope. It could be a million things. I’m the DIY type. Although I don’t tile floors or drill holes, I do enjoy my life projects. Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously create problems so I can fix them. Raise your hand if you self-sabotage. Not you? Well la dee dah. I’ll have to take a trip up to that ivory tower where you live so we can chat. Excuse my sarcasm. I’m still being a jerk because of that bad day last week. It’s not very zen of me.
The point of this post, and the one before, and the one before, is to inspire you. And me. So let’s think for a moment about all the dirty rags we’re dragging around because we’re simply so used to the weight of them. Or the feel of them. Or the excuses they provide, the time and space they fill, and all the rest.
I’ve confessed to nursing my wounds and creating my own chaos for the chance to pull out my tool belt. A friend of mine shared that she’s been trying to lose weight for some time. She gets up when it’s dark and heads to the gym before work. She sips green juices, skips office lunches at the greasy spoon and takes the stairs whenever possible. She loses a few and it feels pretty awesome. Then, in her own strange celebratory catatonia, she finds herself at a fast food drive-through ordering every dietary disaster on the menu. In the process, she gains every pound she lost and begins her diet the following day. And so goes the cycle. She tells me that as she’s shouting her order into the speaker, a voice in her head screams, “Salad. Salad!”
I wonder if she’s somehow scared to be thin, and what her weight represents in her life.
When it comes to getting in our own way, we all do it in different ways. I hear procrastination is a biggie, as in undermining your own intentions with a lack of action. I’ll think about that one later…
The next time your head screams salad and you order fries (or insert a more appropriate scenario), ask yourself if you’re somehow self-sabotaging, and if you want a way out of your self-defeat. The first step to change is seeing that a problem exists.
Mantra: I am not my circumstances. I am what I chose to become.