5 Ways To Make a Teen Flee (When Yoga Moms Need Some Peace)

If you’re a mom, you probably have a rare few moments when the house is quiet and no one is asking for a hot meal (in addition to the one you already cooked), a ride to the mall, or emergency assistance with stain removal. And if you think things get better in the teen years, think again, sister! For every mature question (What do mortgages entail?) they’ll ask another, less mature question to keep that teen balance in check (How long can you hold a burp?). Both are legitimate questions, apparently. So when I need some undisturbed time on my mat, or a quiet hour without the distraction of my man-child with his iPhone asking which bathroom selfie makes his abs look more defined, I do this…

5 Ways to Make a Teen Flee 

  1. Get Emotional

If you have a teen boy, this works every time. It’s even effective with some husbands, depending on the man. Set the scene by scattering some tissues about and begin to sob softly, making sure your chest is adequately heaving. As your teen enters the room with that I’d-like-some-cash look in his eyes, let him know you’ll need some time alone to sort out your feelings. This should buy you an hour or so.

  1. Observe the Lawn

It might be rude of me to call my child lazy in this open forum, so I’ll just say that when it comes to yard work, he feigns allergies. Yes, he’s not fond of the hot sun and labor combo. He much prefers a fries and a drink duo. When the kid is silently praying I don’t notice the knee-high weeds and dense jungle beside our driveway, I have a power that feels superhuman. The simple act of drawing the curtains and standing near a window in quiet contemplation is enough to make my teen disappear.

  1. Solicit Assistance  

You might announce that you’d like some help scrubbing the stovetop, scouring the shower walls, or folding the laundry. Choose any undesirable chore and announce that you “may need some help.” This indirect solicitation is sure to make a teen flee. 

  1. Go Wifi Free

Take away your Wifi and watch your teen exhibit the physical signs of a heart attack. There will be sweating, dizziness, discomfort, even pain. After his initial attempts to provide immediate technical support, he may give up and go visit a friend with the appropriate accommodations. It’s a known fact that humans cannot survive without water and teens don’t fare well without Wifi.

  1. Get Naked

Now this is an outrageous tactic, and some moms may not be bold enough to pull it off (literally). But when you’re really desperate for some time alone, you’ll remove your apparel and plop down on your Lazy Boy, bare assed and unashamed. It’s your house, dammit, do what feels right. This method will send your disgusted teen right out the door. Rest assured, there will be no parties at your place — not for a while! Be careful how you expose yourself, however, as the sight of your gross “mom body” may leave your teen with emotional scars. You may want to cover yourself just slightly by keeping your undergarments intact. 

Disclaimer: Experience tells me that I may encounter a few negative comments in response to this post. Because this is a positive space, please keep the following in mind if you’re tempted to take offense: This list was not intended for actual use. All suggestions are purely sarcastic and intended to be humorous, not instructional in nature. Do not try this at home.

52 Comments
  • Miranda
    March 18, 2016

    Yep, any of those would be sure to make a teenager flee. Especially the “I may need some help” one. Love it!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 18, 2016

      Ha ha! Exactly! Thanks for stopping by, Miranda.

  • paula schuck
    March 21, 2016

    Laughing my head off right now. I have a teen. It is not easier. I so relate to this post. Hilarious. They are such interesting creatures. I have girls so add a healthy dose of HUGE drama into the mix. Boy oh Boy. I can’t even begin to tell you all of it.

    • Rica Lewis
      March 21, 2016

      Ha ha, Paula! I can only imagine! Glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for reading and commenting 😀

  • Susannah
    March 21, 2016

    Hahaha. I love this – especially “get naked” 😉

  • GiGi Eats
    March 22, 2016

    LOL!!!!! The WiFi one is hysterical and SOOO VERY TRUE – um, I have a heart attack when there is no wifi either!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 22, 2016

      Ha ha GiGi! I would not hurt my Wifi. It would give me heart palpitations, too! Thanks for stopping in.

  • Laura
    March 22, 2016

    I know would definitely leave my mom alone if she started doing any of these! So funny!

    xo
    Laura B.

    • Rica Lewis
      March 22, 2016

      Ha ha! Success! Thanks for reading and commenting, Laura.

  • Shann Eva
    March 22, 2016

    Ha! Ha! My boys are little right now, but I will for sure be employing these tactics as soon as I’m able 😉 I think the “I need help…” one works right now with my oldest.

  • Sabrina
    March 22, 2016

    I think your disclaimer is my favorite part!! But really, very funny ideas! I’m hoping my kids are easier as teens-don’t steal my hope man! 🙂

    • Rica Lewis
      March 22, 2016

      Don’t worry, Sabrina, teen years will be a blast! If your kids are as funny as mine, that is! Thanks for stopping in!

  • Neely Moldovan
    March 22, 2016

    This was hysterical!

  • Kerin
    March 22, 2016

    This had me cracking up! Next post how to handle toddlers please!!!!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 22, 2016

      I’m not sure I could handle a toddler anymore, Kerin! I’m out of practice!

  • Jessica
    March 22, 2016

    Ahaha this is hilarious! Definitely keeping in mind for later.

  • Rosemond
    March 23, 2016

    Amen! The wifi trick will cause symptoms of a total meltdown. I’ve threatened to take the wifi away and it’s not pretty! LOL!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 23, 2016

      Lol! Yup! Thanks for reading and commenting Rosemond.

  • Laurie
    March 23, 2016

    Hilarious! As the mother of two sons, I feel your pain. I love the naked one. Being in your underwear works just as well, by the way.

  • Carol Cassara
    March 30, 2016

    Oh yeah! Quite funny stuff and I know many parents can relate, so I tweeted it out.

  • Linda Hobden
    March 30, 2016

    As mother of 4 sons it is great to see them squirm – my elder two sons (25 & 18) are not too bad at giving me space now – the younger two (10 & 9) have a lot to learn but they are at the stage where even when My hubby & I peck each other on the cheek in a spontaneous display of romance, the boys mutter “aww… gross”. My 21 year old daughter keeps everybody in check though 😊

    • Rica Lewis
      March 30, 2016

      Love this, Linda! Sounds like you have a great family there and you know how to handle them all! Thanks for stopping in.

  • Faye
    March 30, 2016

    HAHA love this post! My boys are still very young, but I see I have some good stuff to look forward to. Reminder to self: keep emotions in check.

    • Rica Lewis
      March 30, 2016

      Yes, keeping emotions in check is the goal — thus the yoga! Thanks for reading, Faye.

  • Gary
    March 30, 2016

    This about sums up the life of a teen boy at least when I was a teen, minus the wifi of course. Back then it was the Sega Genesis or whatever Nintendo had out by then!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 30, 2016

      So true, Gary. I remember the days, although not as a teen boy! Thanks for stopping in!

  • Silly Mummy
    March 30, 2016

    Haha – will have to remember these! Only have toddlers currently – it’s easy to make them flee, I just have to tell them to ‘come here’!

    • Rica Lewis
      March 30, 2016

      Oh, I remember those days! Enjoy them. 😀 Thanks for stopping in, Silly Mummy!

  • My Life As A Mummy
    April 6, 2016

    Ha!

    This is brilliant! I am going to be bookmarking this for when my boys are teenagers!

    Laura x x x

  • Karin Rambo
    April 19, 2016

    This is hilarious! I don’t have a teenager yet, but I’ll be filing this away for future use. 😉

    • Rica Lewis
      April 19, 2016

      Thanks, Karin. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!

  • jeremy
    April 19, 2016

    I wish I’d read the disclaimer before I stood in front of the window looking at the yard naked

  • Kim Munoz
    April 19, 2016

    Oh man I needed a good laugh this morning. My oldest walked in on me changing, I was in my underwear LOL He won’t ever forget to knock again! hahaha! Awesome post!

    • Rica Lewis
      April 19, 2016

      He scarred for life! Ha ha! Thanks for reading and commenting, Kim!

  • Shari Eberts
    April 19, 2016

    Love it! We can all use all the help we can get with teens in the house! Thanks for sharing!

  • Leanne
    April 21, 2016

    Every one of those would have worked on my kids as teens – fortunately I never needed to get rid of them or drive them out – they were happy enough to make themselves scarce! Leanne @ cresting the hill

  • Anna Palmer
    April 21, 2016

    This is HYSTERICAL. Observe the lawn WHILE sobbing softly. You might never see him again.

    • Rica Lewis
      April 21, 2016

      Ha ha, Anna! But now I’ve got a new tactic: I tell him that pushing the mower is a phenomenal ab workout. He’s obsessed with his physique, so this is my new strategy. I wonder if scrubbing the shower is good for the triceps?

  • Lee Gaitan
    April 23, 2016

    It’s a toss up which was funnier, the piece itself or your disclaimer! Both, excellent! So fun and clever, Rica.

    • Rica Lewis
      April 25, 2016

      Oh wow, thank you, Lee! I’m a sarcastic little devil.:) Glad you enjoyed it.

  • Stacey W
    May 17, 2016

    I need to remember all of this when I have teenagers!

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