If you’re a mom, you probably have a rare few moments when the house is quiet and no one is asking for a hot meal (in addition to the one you already cooked), a ride to the mall, or emergency assistance with stain removal. And if you think things get better in the teen years, think again, sister! For every mature question (What do mortgages entail?) they’ll ask another, less mature question to keep that teen balance in check (How long can you hold a burp?). Both are legitimate questions, apparently. So when I need some undisturbed time on my mat, or a quiet hour without the distraction of my man-child with his iPhone asking which bathroom selfie makes his abs look more defined, I do this…
5 Ways to Make a Teen Flee
- Get Emotional
If you have a teen boy, this works every time. It’s even effective with some husbands, depending on the man. Set the scene by scattering some tissues about and begin to sob softly, making sure your chest is adequately heaving. As your teen enters the room with that I’d-like-some-cash look in his eyes, let him know you’ll need some time alone to sort out your feelings. This should buy you an hour or so.
- Observe the Lawn
It might be rude of me to call my child lazy in this open forum, so I’ll just say that when it comes to yard work, he feigns allergies. Yes, he’s not fond of the hot sun and labor combo. He much prefers a fries and a drink duo. When the kid is silently praying I don’t notice the knee-high weeds and dense jungle beside our driveway, I have a power that feels superhuman. The simple act of drawing the curtains and standing near a window in quiet contemplation is enough to make my teen disappear.
- Solicit Assistance
You might announce that you’d like some help scrubbing the stovetop, scouring the shower walls, or folding the laundry. Choose any undesirable chore and announce that you “may need some help.” This indirect solicitation is sure to make a teen flee.
- Go Wifi Free
Take away your Wifi and watch your teen exhibit the physical signs of a heart attack. There will be sweating, dizziness, discomfort, even pain. After his initial attempts to provide immediate technical support, he may give up and go visit a friend with the appropriate accommodations. It’s a known fact that humans cannot survive without water and teens don’t fare well without Wifi.
- Get Naked
Now this is an outrageous tactic, and some moms may not be bold enough to pull it off (literally). But when you’re really desperate for some time alone, you’ll remove your apparel and plop down on your Lazy Boy, bare assed and unashamed. It’s your house, dammit, do what feels right. This method will send your disgusted teen right out the door. Rest assured, there will be no parties at your place — not for a while! Be careful how you expose yourself, however, as the sight of your gross “mom body” may leave your teen with emotional scars. You may want to cover yourself just slightly by keeping your undergarments intact.
Disclaimer: Experience tells me that I may encounter a few negative comments in response to this post. Because this is a positive space, please keep the following in mind if you’re tempted to take offense: This list was not intended for actual use. All suggestions are purely sarcastic and intended to be humorous, not instructional in nature. Do not try this at home.