3 Ways to Screw Up the Holidays

Tis the season to be stressed the hell out, to open your dusty box of decor and find six broken bulbs and a curious spider. We’ll watch the cat knock over the tree a few times, eat sugar by the pound and feel the waves of nausea and self-disgust. We’ll shop too long, buy too much, and spend hours wrapping the crap in shiny gold paper.

Let’s face it: the kids are going to bicker, something’s bound to burn, and you will step on at least a dozen pine needles in your barefoot trek to the bathroom. Ho ho ho. Or should I say, ha ha ha!  Because this year I’m going to jump on my mat, leave the drama at the door, and laugh, cry, sweat, and meditate until I get my mind in the game.

No stress for this yogi. But just for fun, let’s go over this list of ways to screw up the holidays, and perhaps we’ll see the train before it comes barreling down the tracks (no trainwrecks, please).

3 Ways to Screw Up the Holidays 

Get Crafty

Let’s buy that ginger-bread-house-in-a-box kit. We can assemble it at the coffee table, while we warm our sweet butts by the fire. The kids will eat all the red gumdrops, we’ll be amazed at our lack of architectural skills, and repeatedly frustrated by the wafer roof that keeps sliding away from our gooey frosted walls.

At last, our white-knight men will step in, with their fat fumbling hands and chauvinistic scorn. They will tell us how simple it should be to erect that house of hard candy and stale frosted fluck. And then they will fail. We’ll curse the manufacturer of that shoddy kit, and watch the tiny house crumble as it sails into the trash.

Then we’ll move onto that Martha Stewart wreath project. With hot glue guns in hand, we’ll forget about all the blisters and burns we’ve acquired with that tool, and proceed to reinflict injury.

Be a Giver

This year, we’ll do more than drop coins in red buckets as we smile at bell ringers. We’ll give more than old coats, and new toys to tots. We’ll give our time. We’ll attend all the school plays in the city. We’ll hand out candy canes and poorly printed program flyers. We’ll help at the bake sales, cookie swaps, and every soiree this season. Because who needs sleep, or sanity?

Tis the season to open your heart, and overbook your schedule.

Expect Perfection

Stop the evil foreboding, ignore your internal instincts, maternal instincts, and all the rest. Expect perfection from your family, your coworkers, and everyone you meet. That jerk in the Hummer, he is most definitely not going to swipe your parking spot. Your kid will not snag the chocolate kisses you bought for that recipe. He’ll remember how you exploded last year when you found the foil wrappers littered in his underwear drawer. The packages will arrive on time this year. The house will stay clean. The lights will stay lit, and all the world will shine like an incandescent bulb.

Was that enough sarcasm to make your stomach churn? Don’t believe the hype! Just remember how to breathe deeply, and do what we yogis do best: stay flexible.

Holiday Mantra: I release my expectations, and arrive at a place of compassion instead.

23 Comments
  • Trish
    December 11, 2015

    OMG! What a great post! I was laughing when you were describing the gingerbread house scenario. So true! The one time I bought a gingerbread kit was 10 years ago and within 2 hours of attempting to put it together, did indeed sail into the garbage can 😀

    • Rica Lewis
      December 11, 2015

      Ha ha, Trish. I’ve had many people say that same thing, which is why I believe they are evil!

  • Jessica
    December 11, 2015

    You are absolutely hilarious! This post really made me laugh.

    • Rica Lewis
      December 11, 2015

      Thanks, Jessica. Laughter is the best medicine — next to yoga and chocolate 🙂

  • Elaine Mansfield
    December 11, 2015

    Laughing and loving it. But how did you get to the last line? I’m still hanging out with the glue gun, the unhung chili pepper lights that I thought might make someone laugh, and the too much food and too much foil wrapping paper. Releasing expectations? Compassion? Is that required? OK. I’m practicing, but it’s hard to say no to those addictive and energizing (in an anxious sort of way) expectations when it’s so damn dark outside.

    • Rica Lewis
      December 13, 2015

      Be careful with that glue gun, Elaine! And yes, it is dark outside. I’m not a fan of that either. Thanks for stopping in. 🙂

  • Tamuria
    December 14, 2015

    I love this post – so funny! Yes I’ve done it with the gingerbread house and the hot glue gun. I nearly killed my Hubby over an incident with a foam tree cone and spearment leaves that refused to stay on it one year. Yay to the great advice – release your expectations and stay flexible.

  • China Barbie
    December 14, 2015

    Very cool post! I definitely agree that Christmas should not be all about “things” and stressing out!

  • Bernadette Ballantyne
    December 14, 2015

    We (me and 5yr old) once made a gingerbread house. It was perfect. Then the dog ate it when we weren’t looking!

    • Rica Lewis
      December 16, 2015

      Ha ha! At least the dog was happy! Thanks for reading and commenting, Bernadette. 🙂

  • Sara
    December 20, 2015

    We just attempted to put a gingerbread house together today! It was a disaster. But honestly we laughed so hard it was still a fun time!

    • Rica Lewis
      December 20, 2015

      That’s the important part, Sara! Memories 😊

  • Warren
    December 20, 2015

    Oy! The holidays are so stressful! 🙂 Thanks for the fun post though. It’s nice to take the reminder to breathe and remember it’ll all be over soon lol.

    • Rica Lewis
      December 21, 2015

      Yes, the fact that it will be over soon is both sad and comforting! Thanks for reading and commenting, Warren 🙂

  • Dashas
    December 21, 2015

    LOL!!! Funny and true, each year tis the season to get in a frenzy. Thanks for the sanity reminder.

    -Dasha
    http://windycitywardrobe.com

  • Theresa
    December 21, 2015

    “Expect perfection.”

    So, so true. There will be highs and lows, but expecting everything to go off without a hitch is not likely. Good reminder!

  • Sam - Journo and the Joker
    December 22, 2015

    Hilarious! We are not doing any of it this year – oh, just eating lots (and possibly drinking a little).

  • Erin
    December 22, 2015

    *crosses craft gift ideas off her holiday lists* Well, there goes that idea!

    • Rica Lewis
      December 22, 2015

      Ha ha, Erin! Sorry I ruined it for you. 😀

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